When you're "me", your body sometimes decides to rebel against you. Thank goodness my spirit is stronger than the pain. A few weeks ago we found out the cancer was back a third time. A few days ago I had to have a surgery that left me in absolute agony for 3 days straight. It still hurts to move in any way that pulls on my abdomen. I've hardly been able to eat because the expansion of my belly feels like someone has placed me on a taffy machine.
I felt myself slowly drowning in despair. I was supposed to be celebrating 3 years...and now I have to start over?! I have been angry, sad, confused, but most of all...hurt. Things were getting dark, and my mood was worsening.
Today, I decided to force myself to , very slowly, walk. @glenn_lundy tells us every morning that "a body in motion, stays in motion." I had to get not over, but through my emotions. I knew that I was grieving, but I knew there needed to be a "limit".
I walked 3 blocks to the ferry docks, and I told myself, "You are Paradise Rodriguez-Bordeaux. Yes, you've been dealt a rough card much of your life, but you're still here. You are here by choice. Choice of God and choice of your will to fight on. You are a goddess warrior, so fight!" I decided to start rehabbing my body. Yes, it hurts,but it would hurt a lot more if I accepted defeat.
These days ,I move very slowly. My Dr says it could be another week or few before I'm back to normal. That's okay. Today I walked 3 blocks and was able to lightly bend. Tomorrow it might just be the same...but at least I am moving.
My road to recovery isn't just about fighting my health issues,but also healing my heart and allowing my spirit to do its thing. I'm angry, and my feelings are valid. I coined then told this message to myself and others when things have been crazy, " You can sit in the corner and cry, or you can go out and dance in the rain. Either way, the storm is coming."
I choose to dance.
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